laughter

at some point, i realized i laughed with the snow and not with the moon. the moon held me captive in solitude, shining a light i could not avoid. memories never fade, in fact they can hide away like a scared church mouse, then run across your foot while you stand in the kitchen in the middle of the night. what were you reaching for in your fridge? is the church mouse still there? i could take it and move it two miles away, they say that's enough so it won't come back. but i think that church mouse is smart. it has spent years memorizing every inch of my walls. i bet it has sat in my rocking chair more times than i.

i will eat the bell peppers that have been in my fridge for months. they are soft now, but their red color has outlasted the nasty faded carrots and i'd like to reward them. i'm a people pleaser who can't please people. what does it take to be the person who laughs at it all? 

i'm hoping for a snowstorm this winter so i have an excuse to be cold and light a fire without a fireplace. i will gather wood just in case. if i must, i will burn my chess board. i never did win against him anyway.

he loved the sweet sap of summer. the stickiness of us could not keep us apart. 

a clown will come to my house and do his best. 

first date at the fair

 my mom dropped me off in our red car that i never knew the make and model of when i was a kid, but i now know it was a toyota 4runner. i was immediately hit with the lights of the ferris wheel, shining bright than the stars, the chatter of kids i didn't know but could probably get along well with if someone introduced us, and the smell of kettle corn that teased me as i missed my family's dinner to go on my first date ever. 

my mother waited for me as i walked away from the car. i pretended i was not with her and i went up to the ticket booth. i slid open my flip phone and texted jacob: "here, by the ticket booth." "you coming in or what?" said the lady from inside the booth. "just a moment," i said. i wanted to give jacob the opportunity to pay for me, only if he wanted to of course. i would be fine either way. my parents equipped me with a 20 dollar bill, which i didn't realize as a kid was way more than they could afford to give me. i just didn't want to start my date off on the wrong foot. i wanted the proper chance to have the perfect first date, with maybe a romantic kiss under the stars. then, i saw jacob leave his black car and give his mother a kiss on the cheek, and i regretted not doing that to mine. we had been dating for two weeks already, and i realized i didn't even know his mother's name. i would ask him when there was a lull in the conversation. i waved to jacob, he walked over. we hugged for .06 seconds. i gave my mother eyes and she drove away in her 2009 red toyota 4runner. the mothers were both now gone. which meant we were alone at the big fair. we knew no one else here. 

he paid for our tickets and we went in. i was starving, but i couldn't say that yet. our bodies auto-piloted to the first ride we saw: teacups. we hadn't said anything yet besides hello. "this is my boyfriend," i thought to myself as we waited in line. "compliment him." i mustered up the courage and said, "i like your shirt," and then actually looked at the shirt that i had the honor of giving such a high compliment to. it was a relay for life t-shirt from last year. "thanks," jacob said. i looked around awkwardly. "i've never been to this fair, i always go to the one in collinsville," i said. "i haven't been either," jacob said. we moved up two places in line. "what's your mom's name?" "susan" "cool." we then waited in silence until we got into the teacups. 

we were paired with an older couple that looked to be in their 30s. we all crammed into the cup and the ride began. i turned the cup slowly, along with jacob and the man. "babe, please, just turn the cup," the man said. "no, this is so stupid. oh my god," she said. "babe do not make a scene, please," he said. "oh so you can just make fun of me to the kettle corn lady and i'm not gonna be upset? and for what - just so you can be this awesome hilarious funny guy and i'm just some bimbo?" "you're not a bimbo." at that point, jacob let out the smallest laugh. i looked up straight at him with big eyes. "you think that's funny, kid?" the man said. "stay out of it." she said. "i am sorry," jacob said. when the ride finished, jacob and i walked out of the teacup silently, and then burst out laughing. "BIMBO, BIMBO!" jacob yelled. "JIMBO, BIMBO, LIMBOOO." i mimed limboing. jacob laughed. "god they were CRAZY! they totally freaked out at you," i said. "if we see them again, let's yell BIMBO at them," jacob said. 

we ate kettle corn, fried dough, and cotton candy while the fireworks popped in the sky. "i wonder if i'll be anything like her when i'm 30," i said. "no friggin' way. you are going to be amazing, nice to everyone, and normal. even if a middle schooler laughs in your face," jacob said. "what if i'm a bimbo?" i said. jacob cracked up. i laughed. i thought to myself, "this would be a nice time to kiss, but how do you even kiss? i don't care enough to figure it out. i don't want to ruin the night. we are having so much fun. i am fine with waiting until high school to kiss, yeah, that makes more sense." suddenly i heard, "MARIE!" i turned and looked. it was cassie, she was in my home room class. she ran up to me and hugged me, which we'd never done before. "have you seen brett?" cassie said. "brett h?" "yes." "no, i didn't know he was here." "ugh, he's pissed at me for making out with brian behind the dunk tank." "im sorry, uh, jacob got harassed by an old man." "oh, i'm sorry. i gotta go find brett." 

jacob and i climbed to the top of the big slide. i looked out over the fair, trying to find the couple. i took a step to my right, and as i put my foot down, i heard the sound of a potato chip crunching. i gripped my knee and picked up my leg so i could see the bottom of my shoe, and saw a squashed cockroach. "you two love birds are up!" said the attendant. i had no time. i stuck my two feet into the potato sack with jacob. and we flew down the slide. we went a little too fast. i wasn't prepared. and all i could think about was the cockroach riding the slide with us. was it still alive, having a little fun? 

i rode home silently with my mother. i wondered if i'd ever step on a cockroach again. i wondered if i'd ever want to kiss someone. i wondered if the fighting couple is in love. i wondered if it's ok to not have a lot to talk about with someone.

sweet disposition music video

 

tinned fish

tinned fish in the evening, tinned fish in the morning. no brushing my teeth in between. starving all day, dreaming about my nightly smoked trout. i'll put it on two crackers, make a little sandwich. make my whole house smell of fish. there's nothing else for me but my tinned fish. people run, people drive, people cry all night but i smile, knowing i got my tins.

morning comes, but i see no sun. time to wake up and have my salmon on ritz.

i sit on my basement floor, downing my concoction, looking at the 4,374 tins i have left. will it last me?

i haven't seen a soul since the final trip to the grocery store back in '81. i wonder if sheila's still there bagging groceries. she was 77 in '81. what's the year now? she may be gone.

starving all day, dreaming about my nightly smoked trout. wondering if the world's okay, i know i am.

the day i died

i was waiting in line for ice cream. it was quite a long line, maybe the longest i'd ever seen it. it was one of the muggiest days of summer, so we all wanted to reward our tongues for making it through.

i had probably waited for a good fifty minutes, and i was just about to be at the front of the line, but then i died.

i died about to retrieve my maple walnut ice cream cone.

the people in line screamed and huddled around my body. they yelled, "but she was so close to the front!" and "maybe it's just low blood sugar!" and tried to force feed me their gross cotton candy flavored ice cream, but i was already dead. it was no use.

it was a big shock to me when i died right there. that night, when i got dressed in my favorite summer outfit, my floral dress with tevas, and put on a light dusting of makeup, i did not think i'd die. i was about to cap off another beautiful night with a huge cone. i was promoted to a new position at work that morning, so why would i die?

did i go to the ice cream store too much and eat too many maple walnut ice cream cones? nobody told me i shouldn't, not even the ice cream man.

i wish i had at least gotten to eat my ice cream before i died. 

i died not knowing or believing in an after life. i died not believing i'd die. dying happens to people, not me, not us.

i died on cold hard ground with traces of sprinkles, dog hair, melted ice cream, and dirt around my body.

i died with strangers around me trying to help me up.

i refused their help and allowed myself to sink more into the tiled floor. i did not want to be lifted up. i wanted to shout, "this is it. it's really happening. i'm dying. look at me and prepare." but i had only one ounce of energy left. i licked my finger, dabbed it onto a sprinkle on the ground, and put it right onto my tongue. the tiny sweet purple sugar coated my teeth. 

this made my dying a little easier. 

never been to disney

 one of the distinct character traits i liked to hold close to myself when i was little was the fact that i'd "never been to disney world" i put it in quotes because i used to say it so often that it now solely exists as a line of dialogue to me. i said it so much that i even recall being at a 6th grade sleepover playing never have i ever, and yes you guessed it, the phrase "never have i ever been to disney world" came out of my mouth while holding up my five fingers. this fact was so important to me. i needed others to know they were special. i needed others to know i was not like them. they were people who had families who went to disney, and my family would never be like that.

i didnt learn about the other version of disney world: disney land until middle school, which then made my line of dialogue a little bit trickier. i would try to get out ahead of someone asking about the land, by shifting my phrase to "i've never been to disney world. or land." this was a little clunkier, and it didn't hit as cleanly. but it still got the job done. "wow! interesting." i would often get as the response. and i'd provoke them even further.

"have you?" i asked.

"yeah, when i was like five, i think. i don't really remember it."

"cool." 

to them, disney world/land at five years old meant nothing, probably because they couldn't even recall what rides they'd been on, what food they'd eaten, or even what month they'd gone. but to me, that said everything. you've been. you've checked it off your list. you can say you've been. boom. 

i don't know how my obsession with attendance to disney world/land began. i wasn't even a disney fan. i wasn't dreaming about meeting mickey mouse, or riding space mountain, or watching fireworks go off behind the stunning castle. 

i think after all those first days of school after summer break where I would hear my classmates talk about their trip to disney world, i started to think, ok what the hell is going on? 75% of my classmates have been to disney world, am i not allowed there? has my family been banned? do my parents even know about disney world?! visiting disney became the mark of a realized concrete person. 

once, an amorphous blob roaming about town, but now, after dancing with Goofy under the stars, takes the shape of human person, with legs, ears, eyes, and can move onto 4th grade, and continue on to the rest of their life. 

i was an amorphous blob. in grade 4 i tried to remedy this. the online game i played every night for years and years was called VMK (virtual magic kingdom) which was an online version exact replica of Disney World, made by Disney. i learned all the ins and outs of disney world. i rode all the rides, developed my character and collected tons of rare items, made hundreds of friends at the virtual theme park. i am still close with one of those friends today. i am her bridesmaid. how weird. 

i finally had the knowledge of disney world, which i even whipped out at school when my friends spoke about their previous vacations. oh yeah rebecca you loved space mountain? i've actually ridden it probably 340 times. my virtual kingdom meant the world to me. i slowly took shape as i played this game. i didn't need to visit disney world anymore. i already had, every night. 

i have accomplished a few versions of "visiting disney world" today. i have a job. i can cook. i have tried skateboarding. i have a boyfriend. i play tennis. i have an apartment. these are all equally important in my eyes to having a normal healthy lifestyle, as having visited disney world/land is. 

i'm heading to paris with my boyfriend this month. they have disney land paris, maybe i can finally go. 

sick

 today i woke up coughing up mucus. did i start coughing in my sleep or did i wake up and immediately cough? i haven't yet figured that out, although i've woken up the same way every day this week.

this week, i was home sick. it was very quiet, besides my nose blowing. crumples of tissue paper are hidden like easter eggs around the house. in the corner of my bed, near the kitchen counter, and somehow one sitting on my record player, begging to be spun. 

to allow your body to completely give into lethargy is a wonderful feeling. i often push that desire away, but with sickness as an excuse you're free to be as slow as you want. my cat larry and i were on the same wave length. wake up, stretch, eat, sit on the couch for six hours, eat, poop, cuddle, sit on couch for six hours. but larry wasn't working from home like i was. larry wasn't creating zoom meetings and chiming in on what wordage we should use in our tweet. but i know larry would be good at that, maybe even better than me!

i got home late from work last night and immediately made a roux that turned into a deliciously creamy mac and cheese. with shells. 

a question i think about once a week: if i was on the bachelor, would i tell the producers i truthfully cannot be put on a date where they make me sky dive? life is uncertain. you do not know what your future holds. but luckily i know one hard truth about my life: i will never skydive. and that's fine. i actually don't think people who have skydived are so grateful they did it, and their life has totally changed because of it. so, when would i ever have to skydive? well, if i was a contestant on the bachelor. because let's be honest, if you are a contestant, and your date says "i've planned a special day. we are going up in that plane and jumping out." you cannot back out. if you back out, america hates you. they think its symbolic of you backing out of this relationship. they think you aren't willing to take risks, like moving to texas for the bachelor. they think you're weak. too weak to express your love for the bachelor. so you HAVE to get in the plane. you HAVE to jump out. and then tell the bachelor how you wouldn't have done that with anybody but him. he is the reason you jumped you. he gave you the confidence to know you'll be safe. i mean, it's ultimately the perfect date. anyway, i often think about, if i was on the bachelor, the likelihood of me getting the skydive date is pretty low. BUT, if i tell the producers, are they actually even more likely to put me on the skydive date to challenge me? for a perfect tv moment, the girl who cries and freaks out but then eventually gets on the plane because of the guy's motivating words? or better yet, the girl cries and freaks out and the bachelor really hates that she's not brave and sends her home. i think if i was on the bachelor i would ultimately not tell the producers and just try not to be super awesome and not get a one on one, and then once the skydive date happens i kick into high gear and be a great contestant.

good things are happening in my career. that is satisfying. my college roommate is now my literary manager. god isn't life crazy? listen up, it pays to be a good roomie. and by good roomie, i mean, i would nap from 8pm-12am, and then do homework from 12am-3am. because "that system actually worked better for me" lol. 

i have a flight in 3 weeks and im thinking about it a lot because i have an intense fear of flying. no offense to all aviation engineers but seriously i think we should be able to expel turbulence, i mean come on. its 2023... and a sweet girl is on a plane crying because it's shaking? that is not right. in my opinion.