never been to disney

 one of the distinct character traits i liked to hold close to myself when i was little was the fact that i'd "never been to disney world" i put it in quotes because i used to say it so often that it now solely exists as a line of dialogue to me. i said it so much that i even recall being at a 6th grade sleepover playing never have i ever, and yes you guessed it, the phrase "never have i ever been to disney world" came out of my mouth while holding up my five fingers. this fact was so important to me. i needed others to know they were special. i needed others to know i was not like them. they were people who had families who went to disney, and my family would never be like that.

i didnt learn about the other version of disney world: disney land until middle school, which then made my line of dialogue a little bit trickier. i would try to get out ahead of someone asking about the land, by shifting my phrase to "i've never been to disney world. or land." this was a little clunkier, and it didn't hit as cleanly. but it still got the job done. "wow! interesting." i would often get as the response. and i'd provoke them even further.

"have you?" i asked.

"yeah, when i was like five, i think. i don't really remember it."

"cool." 

to them, disney world/land at five years old meant nothing, probably because they couldn't even recall what rides they'd been on, what food they'd eaten, or even what month they'd gone. but to me, that said everything. you've been. you've checked it off your list. you can say you've been. boom. 

i don't know how my obsession with attendance to disney world/land began. i wasn't even a disney fan. i wasn't dreaming about meeting mickey mouse, or riding space mountain, or watching fireworks go off behind the stunning castle. 

i think after all those first days of school after summer break where I would hear my classmates talk about their trip to disney world, i started to think, ok what the hell is going on? 75% of my classmates have been to disney world, am i not allowed there? has my family been banned? do my parents even know about disney world?! visiting disney became the mark of a realized concrete person. 

once, an amorphous blob roaming about town, but now, after dancing with Goofy under the stars, takes the shape of human person, with legs, ears, eyes, and can move onto 4th grade, and continue on to the rest of their life. 

i was an amorphous blob. in grade 4 i tried to remedy this. the online game i played every night for years and years was called VMK (virtual magic kingdom) which was an online version exact replica of Disney World, made by Disney. i learned all the ins and outs of disney world. i rode all the rides, developed my character and collected tons of rare items, made hundreds of friends at the virtual theme park. i am still close with one of those friends today. i am her bridesmaid. how weird. 

i finally had the knowledge of disney world, which i even whipped out at school when my friends spoke about their previous vacations. oh yeah rebecca you loved space mountain? i've actually ridden it probably 340 times. my virtual kingdom meant the world to me. i slowly took shape as i played this game. i didn't need to visit disney world anymore. i already had, every night. 

i have accomplished a few versions of "visiting disney world" today. i have a job. i can cook. i have tried skateboarding. i have a boyfriend. i play tennis. i have an apartment. these are all equally important in my eyes to having a normal healthy lifestyle, as having visited disney world/land is. 

i'm heading to paris with my boyfriend this month. they have disney land paris, maybe i can finally go.