lullaby

sometimes i don't want to fall asleep because i think i will die. so i don't let my body drift off. my body is often in a constant battle with my mind. i want to fall asleep, well you can't, i want to fall asleep, YOU CAN'T. i think that if i am awake i can ward off death. i can stop it from walking towards me if i can see it. but in reality death will probably come when im completely conscious. i'll see it in all its glory and i won't be able to stop it. 

the time between awake and sleep is my scariest time. i hear things and i can't tell if they are real. sounds warp in my ears. i often hear rock music through the strong breath of my ac unit. i hear police sirens from the rain sounds i play to try to lull me to sleep. i hear a man's piss hitting the cold toilet water but i don't know who the man is. sometimes i hear a person in my ear with the loudest voice i've ever heard yell CAROLINE! and my heart skips a beat. and then i wait frozen to see when he'll call my name again and he won't, not for a few weeks. i hear the sound of my mother creaking up the stairs, she's slower than the rest of my family. my apartment does not have stairs. i try to drown out my phantom sounds with white noise but then i'm scared i will miss a sound that is not a phantom sound but an actual sound, the actual sound of those things that can hurt me. 

when i was four i had my first nightmare. i was in my home and i was looking out the window through our yard, towards the street. it was rainy and very bright green. i saw a witch dressed in black standing on the street looking at me. i felt unnerved but was holding up because she was far across the street. i continued walking around my house and looked out another window, this time the witch was in my yard. looking at me. i could see her more this time. i felt hot. and i did not want to see her anymore and i did not want her to see me. i went into my mother's closet and i shut the door and i sat there. i already knew my fate. there was nothing i could do, she was coming and i could not stop her. i sat with the bright light on in the closet because i was afraid of the dark. she made no noise but opened the door and drifted above me. 

i never dreamt of her again but i know she is watching and getting closer.